It Was Time...

UPDATE:

All apologies for how late this update is but, better late than never.
I went to my new OBGYN and, of course, she asked me, suggested that I, recommended that I, told me, ordered me to get a Mammogram. Actually, more specifically, a Baseline Mammogram so that, in another 3 years when I am 40 and need to start getting Mammograms on a yearly basis, they will have a Mammogram to compare my 40 year old ta-tas to. Yippy freaking skippy!

So, I went home and, against my nature, I did not procrastinate. I nearly immediately called the number that my doctor provided, to schedule my appointment for my first Mammogram. I knew that if I didn't do it immediately, I would procrastinate until she had to yell at me to do it a year from now when I go back to see her for my annual checkup.

I begrudgingly went. All along hating Mother Nature, God or just my Dad's sperm and my Mom's egg for daring to have the gall to make me a girl which gave me boobies. I walked into the office where they do such a heinous, undesirable, cruel and inhumane thing to man's favorite toy. What? Duh...breasts! What did you think I meant? The remote? Who would Mammogram a remote? And just how would that be inhumane? Come on...get with the program here.

Anyway, the woman whose job it was to check me in, was really nice. She tried to calm my nerves by telling me that it wasn't the most painful thing. She said it was painful but not that bad. And, she asked me what my pain tolerance was. When I told her that I have 2 tattoos she said that I would have no problem with a Mammogram. Of course, she didn't have any tattoos so, basically she wouldn't really know just how painful a tattoo was in comparison to having the ever loving shit squeezed out of your tits. But, I digress. She told me I would be fine and sent me to sit in the waiting room.

My Radiologist (I think that is her title) came and got me and she really couldn't have been more sweet. She was really nice, calming and kind...for a woman whose job it is to manhandle another woman's boobies. Seriously. She moves them around. Picks them up. Plops them down...for those women who have big enough boobs to plop down. Shifts them left. Nudges them right. Tugs them forward. And then smooshes them between two cold, unforgiving square something or others. One is glass and I can't remember what the other was. Metal I think. And yes...it hurt. Like a Mother Fucker. But, not as bad as I thought it was going to. Not even bad enough to have me dreading my next visit in 3 years. Don't get me wrong...I would have loved to be able to remove my tits and throw them at someone if it meant the 5 seconds of pain I did experience would stop. But, that being said, it honestly wasn't that bad. If I had a choice between getting my ta-tas fondled and then smashed every 6 months or go to the dentist, believe it or not, I would chose to have my ta-tas smashed every six months. I never thought I would say it but, I hate the dentist more than having my boobs barbarically mistreated between 2 cold hard surfaces.

Oh...and to answer the question about bigger versus smaller? Smaller hurts worse. If Righty could have screamed, she would have while Lefty might have just muttered a quiet "Ouch". So, for all of you big breasted women who say it hurts worse the bigger your ladies are...SHUT THE FUCK UP! I know from experience. I have both to draw from. It may hurt you but, I promise you that it hurts me worse and it hurts my right lady worse than my left one. Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Is It Time or Not Just Yet?

I'm hoping for "Not just yet." What am I talking about? The dreaded Mammogram. I am 37 years old now and tomorrow I am going to see my OBGYN for a checkup. I have heard conflicting stories on when women should start having Mammograms. Most say 40 but, some say 35. I am trying out a new doctor tomorrow so, I don't know which side of that 5 year difference she falls on. And, since I haven't been to see one in 2 or 3 years, I am worried she may decide to punish me for not keeping up with the health of my ta-tas and my na na na na and send me cringing towards the Mammogram. NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I have never heard one good thing about a Mammogram. Of course, it depends on who you talk to. Ladies with small ladies say that the smaller your ladies are, the worse it is. Then, ladies with bigger ladies say the bigger your ladies are the worse it is. My question is: HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW? If you have big girls, you probably have always had big girls, at least, while you have been of the age to get Mammograms. And, say you got them enhanced, you probably still never had to have a Mammogram when they were small and, I have to imagine that you can't get a mammogram with implants because...well, forgive my stupidity but, wouldn't that pop them?
And, to the ladies with small ta-tas, how do you know if it hurts less with bigger ta-tas? If you have never had them, who are you to say how bad or how good, how painful or how less painful another person's experience is. So, shut up. I think it hurts for everyone. How could it not? You are taking your boobies and unnaturally smooshing and flattening them to the thickness of a pancake between 2 cold, metal, unforgiving, cruel plates while someone snaps a picture of your poor abused girls. What could possibly be fun or gentle about that. And, don't get me wrong. Like I said, I have never had one but, logically, I know what is involved. It is not that big of a stretch of an imagination to figure that there is a really awful, tear jerking, mind numbing, wanting to throw something at someone, amount of pain.
So, here is my next question: we can put a man on the moon and make a small portable device that, at its biggest is no bigger than the average hand, that can fit tens of thousands of songs on it. So, why the fuck can't we figure out how to take a high resolution picture of our tits without turning them into pancakes and putting every woman into tears? Just saying.