Cancer

So, today I got the news that you never want to hear. My sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. I don't even know what to say. I'd like to be verbose and insightful. I would love to be uplifting for her, my family and myself but, I am not feeling very uplifted right now. I don't have the words to say by which to comfort her. What do you say to someone who has just been diagnosed with one of the world's biggest killers? I've never really understood what people meant by the feeling of "numb" when it comes to getting bad news. But, I get it now. She went in somewhere close to 2 months ago to have a lump the size of a pea checked out in her left breast. My Mom told me and I stayed strong until I got off the phone, and then I cried. Partially because I was already really beaten down what with trying to be strong for my parents only about a month before that as they grieved over the loss of one of their best friends. And, on the same day that I found out about my sister, my Mom also told me that my Uncle had maybe only about a month left to live because of all the cancer in his body. Don't get me wrong, I don't have any good feelings about my Uncle, for very deeply personal reasons, but I did feel bad for my Dad who was about to lose the last of the portion of his family that he grew up with. So, once I got off the phone with my Mom, I broke down. I can be the strongest person you will ever meet when I have to be. But, what you won't see is how I build myself up for that strength and process it behind a closed door. After my sister's surgery, my Mom called to let me know that it was worse than they thought and a lot of their cautious optimism had evaporated. I was strong again, until I got off the phone.

Today is different. I haven't shed a tear. And, this is where that numb comes in. I don't know how to process this one. I don't know what to say to anyone. I don't even know how to feel about it myself. I want my sister to beat Cancer's ass, put it down on the floor, tell it to stay there and call it her Bitch. But then what? She's been told that she has to go for either semi-annual or annual Mammograms. And, since we are only 3 years apart in age...guess where yours truly will be going. My Maternal Grandmother had breast cancer but, it didn't show up until she was maybe 87 years old. And, while it was bad, it wasn't what killed her in the end. She was a breast cancer survivor. I can hope that my sister will be also. Her Cancer is in the early stages. She caught it quickly. Will I be so lucky? Will I be even luckier and just never have to deal with it myself? Right...guess who's starting to process it now? But, I still don't know where to put it all. I'm scared. I'm terrified for my sister. I'm scared for my own ta-tas. I'm worried for my Mom. I'm pissed off that this disease still exists. And, as for now...I'm done. My goose is cooked. I'm fried. I think I just want to crawl into a ball in a corner and cry it out for a little while, with the door shut and be ready for the strength that I will need to have while my family gets through this.